The Unexpected Pregnancy

In early May I found out I was pregnant. I felt nervous, excited, and overwhelmed with love for a little person I had never met. Physically I felt really good. I was grateful for that. I had heard horror stories of women being so sick they were bed ridden for their entire pregnancy. I was not one of those women. If anything, I felt better than normal. I woke up feeling refreshed, ate well, still went hiking, and just enjoyed that season of life.

I went to the clinic and was met by our local nurse, Rosemary, who I love dearly. She cried when I told her the news. I went back each week with Andrew hoping to hear the heartbeat, but we knew it was too early. But we just wanted to know that our baby was healthy and growing.

Over the weeks my sense of smell heightened to Bloodhound status. I would sometimes feel slightly queasy in the late afternoon, but it would soon wear off. Andrew and I would sit and talk about what our child might be like. The qualities we hoped he or she would possess. The naming process only took a few days and I couldn’t wait to know which name it would be. Andrew was in Anchorage for an afternoon and came back with a Mother’s Day Present for me. We were looking forward to the adventure of parenthood.

One Saturday afternoon I began spotting and it was unsettling. I called the nurse and knew we just had to wait. I spent the day praying and asking the Lord to spare our baby. The year had already been so full of loss and grief. I wasn’t sure I could handle any more. There were tears shed and then peace. God sent some friends over for the afternoon and they were a wonderful distraction to the turmoil in my heart.

Monday came and I was fine. ย Everything was normal. But we were told that we should get a sonogram as soon as possible just in case. We weren’t too worried and figured everything was fine. We planned to go into Anchorage on June 1st and set up an appointment for the morning after we planned to arrive just to be sure.

June 1st came and we visited some midwiferies. We drove out to Andrew’s parents’ house. They had already left for a cousin’s wedding, but Annie and Stephen (Andrew’s sister and brother-in-law) were there. I was bursting to tell them. We had shared the news with some close friends in Port Alsworth, but no one in our family knew yet.

We drove to our appointment and for some reason I felt like we would have bad news, but I had peace. The Lord continued to remind me of His presence and deep love for me. On the screen we didn’t see a baby. The technician told us that she would call the radiologist and have him expedite our results since we were from out of town. Doors shut and we were left in a waiting room. My stomach was in knots. “It has to be bad news,” I thought. Andrew prayed. We sat. Waiting.

I was called into the office and Rosemary was on the phone. She told me that I had been diagnosed with a Complete Molar Pregnancy and I needed to go to a hospital. It was serious if not taken care of and there was no baby. Her words were gentle and firm. I was so confused, but calm. Andrew and I went back into the waiting room. He called Annie and Stephen to tell them they should drive to Valdez without us. We called his parents and explained. I called my mom and tried to hold it together. These were not the calls we wanted to make.

I didn’t know what to do. I was so thankful for Rosemary. She set everything up for us. We went to the ER and by the time we got there they were expecting us. A specialist was on her way. We sat for several hours. There would be a flurry of activity; several people would come in, ask questions, run tests, and then leave. Every time they left I would cry. Thoughts tumbled around in my mind. “How could I love someone so much that never existed?” They kept talking about pregnancy, but doesn’t that mean there’s a baby? There is no baby. There never was. “I want to go home.” I won’t be home for weeks.

The doctor was clear. The cells needed to be removed as soon as possible. Rarely a Molar Pregnancy can lead to cancer. “How did we get from baby to cancer?” She said I need to go in for blood testing once a week until my HcG levels are back to normal. We need to watch those levels and make sure they don’t rise otherwise it could mean chemo. The only two things that raise those levels are pregnancy and cancer. We will watch them for one year.

We were discharged and an emergency procedure was et for 8:00am. We went back to my in-laws’ house. We sat on the couch and tried to wrap our minds around what we had just learned. We went for a walk and then took a nap. I was exhausted. Andrew researched.

The next morning we went back to the hospital. I was the only patient in the OR. All the staff was there for me. Saturday was set aside for emergencies only. I was an emergency. I had been told not to eat or drink anything before the procedure. My veins did not cooperate. Five attempts, three nurses, one pass out, and the IV was in. I remember going into the OR and lying on the table. Heart monitors were put on. Then I remember sitting there talking to Andrew. It was over. Was the doctor coming to see me. Andrew informed me that I had already talked to her. I didn’t remember.

“I don’t hurt, I feel fine.” I apparently sounded like a broken record. But I did feel okay. Physically anyway. We left, picked up prescriptions, went “home.” I slept and watchedย Anne with an E. We went for a short walk. I groomed Jubel the horse and cried. I wasn’t pregnant. There was no baby. January was just going to be another month. “Do you want to take the Mother’s Day Present back?”

Dear friends sent comforting words and are praying. I grieve, but there is peace. My hope was not in this child. My hope is not in the plan God has for me. My hope is in Christ alone. He never promised me a pain free life. He actually promised suffering. He was familiar with suffering and grief. I believe He still is. In my grief I have moved closer to the heart of my Savior. I feel as though I lost someone, but I didn’t. I lost an expectation. It somehow feels the same.

Over the weeks there have been people who have had grace on me. Their words have been full of life and comfort. Some have not been. However, the Lord has answered my prayer and put a guard over my mouth and allowed me to have grace on them. Many people have shared similar stories of heart-break.

My prayer now is that this time of waiting will not be wasted. I don’t want to despise it. My life is still a gift from the Lord. I am no more or less of a person than I was when I thought I would be a mother. My story is not one of loss and hopelessness. It’s about Christ. He gave me a gift. I got a glimpse into the heart of a mother, if only for a short time. I may get that again, but if not, I choose to see that time as a precious gift. My hope is in Christ alone and not His plan for me.

13 thoughts on “The Unexpected Pregnancy

  1. You know, this is always one of the things that I have always looked forward to on your monthly newsletters…..that you are expecting but this is not one of those things that I ever wanted to see. My sweet sweet girl….I am sending you a big hug and know that my heart and my prayers are with you and Andrew. I know how you feel in the loss …. no one understands unless they too, have gone through it. I had lost twins before Derek and wondered if motherhood would be in the future for me. You are right, we aren’t ever promised anything except that God IS there for us and oh how we need to cling to Him.
    I know you are hurting and I pray for your peace….you are so special and God does have some mighty big things to still show you!! I love you dearly ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. I’m so sorry Megan. I lost my first to a miscarriage. It left me feeling so sad and like a failure. I wondered if I would ever be able to carry a baby and asking why God would let this happen. I had already told all my family about the pregnancy, and it was hard to let them know. As you know, God will never leave you and He is grieving with you. Allow yourself the time you need to heal. Both of you. I’ll be praying for you. Susan Amberger

    • Thank you Susan. I feel like God has protected my heart and mind from lies about myself and I am so grateful for that. It is hard to “un-tell” people. Sorry about your loss too. It’s not an easy road.

  3. Oh, Megan, my heart is breaking for you guys. I am just now catching up with the internet world from being at camp until break week. I pray for you both for God’s continued presence and peace as you walk through this time. To see how you glorify Christ and look for the true and good things God wants to teach you through your grief is such an encouragement and blessing. The hymn, “Great is Thy Faithfulness” is running through my mind as I pray for you. May His compassions for you fail not, and morning by morning, may you see His new mercies.

    Love and hugs,

  4. Megan, thank you so much for sharing your precious story. So glad for the way the Lord was so near you during your hard days as He is every day. We have been and will continue to pray for you and Andrew. Love, Jim and Carol

  5. Oh Megan,
    As I read your story, at first my heart began to beat with so much excitement just at the thought of you holding your own precious little baby. Then the joy of you and Andrew picking out a name. The love that you showed your child with his or her name already on your lips made me smile.
    I could sense it though, as I read your story I sensed some sort of loss.
    I felt pricked to the heart for you going through the fears and the tears of losing your baby with a miscarriage. But oh wow such hope I felt when it look like all was OK.
    The Hopes, the dreams, excitement, and the expectations, and then????
    I don’t know how to even put to words the feeling of loss I felt for you when you realized you didn’t have a baby and even worse, never did. Trying to get over the sadness of that loss and wrapping my mind around the fact that you are in danger physically.
    The emotions in my heart had me wrapped up all I could do was burst out in tears. Realizing that my dear friend Megan is struggling physically even facing cancer is hard to accept. I even felt anger inside of me wondering how could this be?
    But then your words of encouragement that you are leaning on the Lord Jesus Christ as your rock!
    You are beautiful Megan! You shine as a tower of love, your understanding, you come along side people in their pain, you encourage others, you are a wonderful teacher of realness and a prayer warrior.
    I just want you to know I’m praying for you and I’m with you in heart and spirit.๐Ÿ™๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿผ๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ™๐Ÿผ

  6. As from the beginning, you are loved. I was so hoping I could bring you good news when the radiologist called. My heart was breaking for you both but knew that our Lord would carry you. Thank you for sharing your story.

  7. What a testimony of faith and trust! My heart is hurting for you…I had the exact same situation with my first pregnancy 28 years ago. I know you don’t know me…not sure if we ever met at Lazy Mountain. But if you ever want to talk, please don’t hesitate to call me. 354-1156

  8. Thank you for sharing this, Megs. I can’t wait to see you in a couple of weeks. Love you, my friend.

  9. Megan, thanks for sharing. So sorry for all you and Andrew had to go through.
    But your words are so encouraging. You are correct when our hope is built on nothing less than Jesus Christ and his righteousness.
    May his love and peace surround you both as you walk with him day by day.

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